From the Ashes of Grief / Mom
From the Ashes of Grief
In the early morning fog of a spring day
The sunlight drifts slowly across the lake
Lifting the dark shadows of night.
The honking geese frolic in the early morning rays of sunshine
While the birds sing of promises yet to come.
Through the dark clouds of grief,
Slivers of sunlight filter down.
The pain and fear residing in my heart
Is starting to give way
To the hope of finding joy once again in my life.
The warmth of the sun flows through my body
And I now feel and see flickers of that joy.
It is but a fleeting moment in my thoughts.
But it fills me with the hope of perhaps
Finding peace once again.
The forever tears cleanse my heart and my pain.
They pave the way for love and laughter once again in my life.
My heart will forever be empty from the loss of my precious child.
But the sparkling sunlight spreads light around that hole in my heart.
Gentle healing is beginning; springing anew from the ashes of grief. Close
We Remember Them / Karen Mom To Kassie Hall (Connected By Angels )Read >>
We Remember Them / Karen Mom To Kassie Hall (Connected By Angels )
In the rising of the sun and its going down, We remember them
In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter, We remember them
In the opening of the buds and in the rebrith of spring, We remember them
In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of summer, We remember them
In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn,
We remember them
In the beginning of the year and when it ends, We remember when
When we are weary and in need of strength, We remember them
When we are lost and sick at heart, We remember them
When we have joy we yearn to share, We remember them
So long as we live, they too shall live, For they are now a part of us, As we remember them Close
Letter from alicia to her mommy / Mom
Letter to mommy
Mommy dearest, just writing to let you know
That each and every day I miss you so.
Best friends we will ever be,
No matter the distance between you and me.
You kissed my hurts and loved me so.
You rocked me in your arms to and fro.
You calmed me throughout the night,
While hugging me so very tight.
Every day you always kept me near
And wiped away my every tear.
No matter what the season,
You always loved me for no reason.
Thankful will I ever be,
For letting me be, oh, so free!
With angel wings my heart takes flight,
Finding joy and spreading my light!
Each and every day I come to visit,
While upon your shoulders I often sit,
Sending all my love to your soul,
Trying so hard to help you once again feel whole.
Mommy, my sweetest dear,
Feel my presence so very near.
Mommy, please don’t feel so sad
For I am with the very best Dad!
His love is oh so great!
Your entrance his angels do await.
There are no words to describe the beauty of this land
Formed by our Father’s loving hand.
Love and light shine everywhere
Even in places we fear to dare.
So mommy, please dry your tears
For in this place there are no more fears.
Love and laughter fill the air
And light shines throughout the lands everywhere!
Joy itself knows no bounds
And fills the air all around.
So mommy dearest
Look into the stars to feel me nearest.
You and I will always be best of friends;
Always, until the very end.
All of the angels within and beyond your sight
Are always there; making spirits bright!
God and I from up above,
Send to you our special love! Close
Letter to alicia soon after she died / Eitan Angel Alicia's Mom (boyfriend and best friend )Read >>
Letter to alicia soon after she died / Eitan Angel Alicia's Mom (boyfriend and best friend )
July 31st, 2006
I wrote this the morning before the memorial service. I wish I had felt up to reading it that day.
I wish that I could tell you some stories about Alicia, I just haven’t been able to remember any these past few days. I’m sure they will slowly come back to me. Instead I remember little things about her, images, flashes of memory. I remember how she looked, how she felt, the way she laughed. The way we chirped back and forth “what?”, “what?”, “oh, I didn’t say anything.” How she turned me on to Diet Cherry Coke. The way she smelled. Lots of details and mannerisms that you grow accustomed to and fond of when you spend time with somebody.
But actually I can remember one story… it took some help though. The night I learned what happened, I dug through one of my boxes and found the receipt from our first date. I took her to Sherpa’s, which I had been introduced to a week or so prior by Dana and Jen. I had just moved to Boulder, so it was one of the few restaurants I knew. I asked Alicia how she liked the food. She replied “It was weird,” and after a pause, “but it was good.” We first went out on September 16, 2003. I remember this date well because it was my mom’s birthday. I was so nervous and excited about going out with Alicia that I forgot to call my mom that day. When I realized the next day, I belatedly called my mom. “Happy birthday!” I told her “I’m sorry I didn’t call yesterday, but I was too excited about this hot date I had last night!” About seven months later I brought Alicia home to California to meet my family and friends there. I think mom would have forgiven me because after meeting Alicia, she told me “Wow, what a sweetheart she is.” And she was such a sweetheart. I just took it for granted that we would always be friends… I couldn’t imagine otherwise.
The worst thing I ever did in my life, I did to her. But she couldn’t hate me for it. She was too good for that. So I know she didn’t leave angry at me. But I’m so angry at myself for missing out on the past few months of her life. I think the last time I saw or spoke to Alicia was May 3. A couple days before I heard, my mom asked about her, which reminded me to give her a call on her birthday. But that opportunity was taken from us.
I can’t imagine the person I would be if I hadn’t known her. I don’t know where I would be, or who I would be, I just can’t imagine. We grew together. She will always be a part of me. Like you, I wish she had been able to touch more lives like she did yours and mine. What happened to her is wrong, she had so much left to give to the world.
After calling my mom to tell her the sad news, she wrote me this email:
Subject: I yelled at Gd.
for selfish reasons. Now I wonder if the world simply needed another angel and she was designated for that special and important purpose. The kabbalah describes the states of the soul as steps. I know Alicia is on a higher plane for the purpose of blessings and peace. She is a guardian angel now although our world is more impoverished with her loss. Her task now is to always teach us how blessed we are and not to take anything we cherish for granted. I won’t let her loss be a finality. She will always be in my heart and soul. She will be a friend for conversation and insight. Now she is a guide and protector. She is at peace so we can seek peace in our own hearts.
Her memory be blessed.
I love you, Alicia
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
2 Comments Add your own
1. LanaG | July 31st, 2006 at 3:12 am
You were much loved by her. She was blessed to have had you in her life. You helped her to become the woman she became. I am so proud of who she was…there are no words to describe that. she was an awesome gift from God. And for some reason, she needed to return to Him. I just ask that you believe and trust in Him and He will show us alt the way. It is all we can do..and to continue to carry her memory forward as a gift to others.
2. Rebecca Angel | July 31st, 2006 at 7:02 pm
Alicia knows what is in your heart. She forgave because she has such compassion. Her optimism guided her. Together we will continue to honor her memory. This is all we can ask of life. I am eternally grateful to her for her generous friendship. We so enjoyed meeting her. I still hear her laugh as she solved this impossible math puzzle. What a gift! Life was a pleasure for her. For that we can all be grateful.
Isn’t it something that you had your first date on my birthday and she was taken on Saba’s (grandpa’s) birthday? I am privilaged that she is part of our family.
Everyday I will try to do a little good to keep her light shining.
Keep smiling Alicia. Close
A trip to the past / Mom
Reflections on a day to the past…..
Was an uneventful flight into Denver. I met Yvonne and Jonas without a problem. We then drove about 2 hours south of Denver to stay with Yvonne’s girlfriend. The original plan was to camp but the weather was not very nic¬¬¬e. Jennys’ house is very nice and looks out onto the mountains. She has 35 acres…not a soul around.
We left her house around 10:30 am and stopped in Salidas for a quick breakfast. Then off to The Great Dunes National Park. We were to meet the ranger at 1 pm. And we arrived at just the right time! The weather was becoming more and more ominous. The winds were high and it looked like either rain or snow….probably temp in the mid 50s. The ranger was late to meet us because he had help another ranger who was stuck in the sand. The Dunes are truly awesome and amazing. I hope to go back there in the summer and really explore!
So we finally got going …and of course it started raining even harder. We drove to the trailhead ….about 3 miles from the National Park but the road was terrible so we had to drive very slowly. When we started hiking, it was raining but not too bad. Then it stopped. Zapata falls are about ½ mile from the trailhead. It is a steady uphill climb…and very rocky. Then when we were near the falls, the trail became narrow and basically you had to walk in the river. The water was moving quickly and the rocks were very slippery. And it became much steeper. You could clearly hear the falls. And the canyon became narrow with tall walls. There was a sign that a trail was closed. That trail went above the falls. It was very dangerous trail and that is why it was closed. We got to pretty much the top of the river and you had to really go through the water around a corner to see the falls. The rock ledges above the actual falls overhung the river. Even if a rock did fall from those ledges, it would not hit anyone walking in the river…that is how much it overhung the river. But before you get the falls, the canyon walls do not have an overhang. If someone slipped up on top of the walls, rocks could easily fall and hit someone below. But the thing is…NO ONE was supposed (or allowed) to be up there. The trail was officially closed. We took pictures of the walls and the signs.
So now my questions were finally answered. I was able to see the last things Alicia saw. And I can now understand how it could have happened. But it should NOT have happened. That boy was not supposed to be up there. And had he simply followed the rules, my daughter would be alive today. I envision that she and her cousins were walking in the river bed. It was mid-July and probably quite hot. I am sure they were playing in the water. The boy who went off the trail was above them and it looked quite dangerous up there. I have no doubt he slipped and as he slipped he accidentally dislodged some rocks. He yelled “rocks!” but there was no way anyone under the ledge could possibly hear him. The falls are very noisy. I am sure Alicia NEVER saw it coming. The ranger said she died instantly. I could see his heart break for me.
I feel a certain peace for finally going. I can now see alicia’s last days in my mind. And I can now understand the situation. What to do about the negligence on the part of the other family…well, I am not sure what to do. They are definitely negligent. Their child should not have been where he was and my daughter died as a result of that. Why should I not only lose my only child but have to pay $20,000 in funeral expenses? I guess I have to pray about this. But it should not fall on MY shoulders. And why did the authorities not find that in their investigation? The fact that the young man was off the trail should have been reported.
But for the moment, my sadness is contained. Thank you God for letting me finally understand a little about what happened to my precious angel. And thank you God for sending new angels to care for me. I would be lost without all of them…and I can feel them carrying me on this difficult journey. Close
Thinking of you today....... / Debra Reagan Clint's Mom (an angel mother )Read >>
Thinking of you today....... / Debra Reagan Clint's Mom (an angel mother )
Part of Our Hearts Forever
Could we ever forget your sparkling eyes or the way you brightened each day, or your smile which is etched in our memories, so you're never far away? Could we ever forget those priceless moments? The answer, of course, is never. For you were part of our lives for a brief time, but you'll be part of our hearts forever.
Reality hits hard and has no remorse It hits you in your gut And you feel pain you never thought you could handle It overwhelms you and knocks you off of your feet You ask “Why?” Even though you know there are no answers.
Reality kicks you when you are down You keep hoping that things really are not what they are And then you realize...yet again…. the truth of what happened There is no escape There is no place to hide Reality finds you in the hidden recesses of your heart It has no hesitations It spares you no pain It hits you hard It makes you realize you have lost everything that ever mattered to you And yet, again, you ask “why?”
There are no answers. Reality rears its ugly head And it spits at you It laughs at you It squeezes your heart It forces tears from your eyes And it never ends
It fights Hope Head on It twists Hope’s arm Reality does not want Hope to win They are at constant odds with each other
Hope fights to win But Hope has eternity on her side Hope is stronger than reality In the end, Hope will be the victor Faith accompanies Hope…. and arms Hope With the power to win. Where is my Hope? I search endlessly Only to find empty arms and an empty heart
In memory of Alicia and Kimlan and all lost childr / Mom Read >>
In memory of Alicia and Kimlan and all lost childr / Mom
The tape player
The tape player Plays over and over In my mind It repeats the pain It repeats the loss The fear rises up yet again Trying so hard to protect her Feeling the sinking in my stomach When I hear the words “we lost our little girl today” The screams of anguish, The cries of NO! NO! NO!
The sinking feeling that comes With the death of your child Never ends It comes and goes like the tides of the sea It washes over your soul and fills You with an unknown fear It hits you in the pit of your stomach And it never relents
I struggle with burying my child It consumes my thoughts always A mother should never have to bury her child And the fear continues to overcome my senses Panic and anxiety are now my constant companions Praying for the day that I will once again Hold my little girl in my arms.
In loving memory of Kimlan and Alicia And all the children who have died before their time
Mother's Day 2008 / Mom (Mom)
Mother's Day is a terrible day for those of us who have lost children. This is my story:
This is the weekend Alicia (my daughter) would be graduating from Grad School at U of Co at Boulder. I wrote this poem tonight in honor or her and all of the other moms who have lost children. I would really appreciate it if we could run this poem on Mother's Day. I feel like it speaks to all of us who have lost a child and I would be so honored if you would share it with the world. I have been quiet long enough..time to speak out. Mother's Day is a horrible day for those of us who have lost children..I feel so forgotten and overlooked. I want other moms to know that they are not forgotten or overlooked..that we have children..even though they are angels. They are still our children and we are still moms. I hope you like it..and I expect you will. I think it says it all!
Badge of Courage for Grieving Moms
Such a loss That no heart should ever know The loss of a child It is our soul’s eternal foe.
No one understands The pain that our heart endures With the loss of a child We held once so dear.
When the pain strikes those Who do not understand With the loss of a child We try our best to continue to stand.
Their reverence we have earned We wear the badge of courage With the loss of a child No one should ever judge.
Let the light of our angels Be a beacon of light With the loss of a child To follow within our sight.
We are moms with So much love in our heart With the loss of a child Our angels we will never part.
Let us honor those moms Whose light shines on and on With the loss of their child To win the battle that goes on and on!
My daughter, Alicia Golembeski, was accidentally killed in a freak accident while hiking in Colorado. She would have earned her PhD in mathematics this May if she had not been killed. She was my only child and I feel so forgotten most of the time. I know other moms feel the same way and we should be honored just like those who have NOT lost children. Especially I wish to honor those mothers who have lost children in battle ...the war in Iraq. My heart grieves for those moms as their children have suffered a death just as senseless and unbelievable as my own chld's death. I am just trying to reach out to those moms with hope and to let others understand our horrific grief.
Alicia's graduation from Boulder / Mom
It just dawned on me today that this is the weekend I should be out in Boulder with Alicia...celebrating her graduation from grad school at the University of Colorado at Boulder. She should be getting her PhD in mathematics. She should be struggling to find a job. Instead she is soaring with angel wings! Close
Missing Alicia and the promise of hope / Mom (mom)Read >>
Missing Alicia and the promise of hope / Mom (mom)
I wrote this a few weeks ago:
It is yet another cold blustery day in Minnesota. As I look out onto the two feet of snow, I wonder if spring will ever come. In my eyes, it looks impossible. How can spring come? All I can see is snow and all I can feel is the cold. And yet, despite all of that, I know that spring WILL come... no matter how difficult it is to comprehend at the moment
Isn't our search for hope and joy again after losing our children much the same? I sit here and wonder how I can ever find joy again in my life. Everything and everyone I have ever loved has been taken from me. Just as it looks impossible for spring to come back to Minnesota, it looks like I will never have joy and hope again in my life.
But just as spring WILL come, I must rest assured that joy and hope will find me again some day. I don't know how or when it will happen. But I hold on fast to my friends and my faith.... waiting for that day... when joy will break through the broken surface of my heart and it will spring anew.
Hope seems so elusive....but holding you close dear...will do my best...FOR YOU!
A BEAUTIFUL ANGEL / DIANA(CODYS MOM) CLIFTON (HER MOMS FRIEND )
ALICIA,MAY U FOREVER SEND UR MOM STRENGTH AND COMFORT AND THE GREATEST OF ALL....REASON TO BE HAPPY...UR MOM IS A SPECIAL FRIEND, ONE OF A KIND...AND SHE HAS A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART...AND SEE LOVES AND MISSES YOU, AS I DO MY SON ALSO..HE IS IN HEAVEN WITH YOU, HIS NAME IS CODY...MAY U ALL FOREVER SHINE BRIGHT ON US AND ALL UR LOVED ONES...SEND US STRENGTH,PEACE AND COMFORT...AND HELP US MOVE FORWARD UNTIL WE ALL MEET AGAIN.. Close
Baby I'll take care of you / Brenda Dailey (Very good friend )Read >>
Baby I'll take care of you / Brenda Dailey (Very good friend )
Baby I'll take care of you I'll never let you down No harm shall ever come to you As long as I'm around And you should never have to fear What people say or do The only thing I fear is living here WITHOUT YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I promise you Alicia untill your mother and I get there to Heaven I will do my best to make sure she is well and holding on..She has helped me so much in my time in need that I know in Heaven there is a cloud that is only for very special people and that cloud is hers..Tell Derek Hello and that I miss him so please..We have such a hard time as you children are in Heaven looking down on us seeing us cry and carry on. But your mother is one of a kind honey and she truely loved you with all of her heart. So if you get the time come down and kiss her while she sleep sok..Love you honey..Brenda and Derel Close
Special Angel / Lucille Cutillo (friend)
To Alicia, May you be at peace. May you have no troubles or cares. May the Lord's arms be around you in total happiness. You do not know me but I have come to know and love your Mom. We have a special bond that will be with us forever. I feel as if I know you. Please smile down on your Mom and show her signs that you are happy and at peace. Until you are united together again in heaven! Love and Bless you Lucille Close
Remembering your Alicia / Sherri Bellinger (friend)
My prayers are with you as you remember this day that your beautiful daughter entered into our true home with Jesus. She is rejoicing with the angels, and wishing for you happiness and peace. May God's love comfort you on this rough road we all are traveling on. Lisa will live on in you, in your memories and in the ways you carry on her legacy. Blessings to you! Close
Thinking of you. I miss stil miss her very much. / Chris Catone Read >>
Thinking of you. I miss stil miss her very much. / Chris Catone